child victim= sociopath needs help

[r_drummond420]

As i have stated in some of my postings, I am a 23 year old female sociopath and i feel that my "urges" are becoming harder and harder to manage. The worst part is that i cannot seek help from my family or anyone that knows of my condition because the traumas of my childhood are buried secrets that even i am not supposed to be aware of.

As far back as i can remember my bio father would get my brother and i together and tell my brother decide wether my father would rape me or he would do it so our father could watch. My brother was my best friend and protector and though it killed him he would do it because he would never in a million years let our father hurt me. For some reason during these sessions i always felt safe because my brother was there. When i was 12 my brother died of a massive asthma attack and i lost it. I couldnt eat without vomiting and by the time i went into the coma i was at 68 pounds. I wasent supposed to survive. When i woke up i was institutionalized for 6 months and it was decided that hypnosis was the only shot i had at a normal life so i was hypnotized to forget my entire childhood, my father, and that my brother ever existed. A year later i saw a yearbook photo of my brother and everything came back. I remembered hearing the shrink telling my mom and step dad that if i ever remembered my past i would have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. so for the last 9 years i've been harboring these secrets and urges and trying to learn how to deal with them on my own. However, lately every time i see a child molestation story on the news or i get a sex offender notification in the mail I get so enraged and filled with cravings of vengance that i feel my head will explode. I've studied serial killers at great lengths and am well aware of the threat sociopaths present. But one major difference between me and them is that i have no interest in the blood of the innocent as compinsation for my suffering. I want the blood of the child predators who steal the innocence of children every day to run red in the streets and send a message so strong to the rest of them that if they perform these acts they will suffer the same fate however horrific and painful it may be. Maby then there will be a stop to this madness. I have a child of my own that i vow to protect at ANY cost and my patience is wearing thin. how can i supress these urges and use my anger for something society can be thankful for? I need help and if i seek it from home ill get locked up again. all openions are welcome.

Thank you:patriot:

[memap1965]

Originally posted by r_drummond420
As i have stated in some of my postings, I am a 23 year old female sociopath and i feel that my "urges" are becoming harder and harder to manage. The worst part is that i cannot seek help from my family or anyone that knows of my condition because the traumas of my childhood are buried secrets that even i am not supposed to be aware of.

As far back as i can remember my bio father would get my brother and i together and tell my brother decide wether my father would rape me or he would do it so our father could watch. My brother was my best friend and protector and though it killed him he would do it because he would never in a million years let our father hurt me. For some reason during these sessions i always felt safe because my brother was there. When i was 12 my brother died of a massive asthma attack and i lost it. I couldnt eat without vomiting and by the time i went into the coma i was at 68 pounds. I wasent supposed to survive. When i woke up i was institutionalized for 6 months and it was decided that hypnosis was the only shot i had at a normal life so i was hypnotized to forget my entire childhood, my father, and that my brother ever existed. A year later i saw a yearbook photo of my brother and everything came back. I remembered hearing the shrink telling my mom and step dad that if i ever remembered my past i would have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. so for the last 9 years i've been harboring these secrets and urges and trying to learn how to deal with them on my own. However, lately every time i see a child molestation story on the news or i get a sex offender notification in the mail I get so enraged and filled with cravings of vengance that i feel my head will explode. I've studied serial killers at great lengths and am well aware of the threat sociopaths present. But one major difference between me and them is that i have no interest in the blood of the innocent as compinsation for my suffering. I want the blood of the child predators who steal the innocence of children every day to run red in the streets and send a message so strong to the rest of them that if they perform these acts they will suffer the same fate however horrific and painful it may be. Maby then there will be a stop to this madness. I have a child of my own that i vow to protect at ANY cost and my patience is wearing thin. how can i supress these urges and use my anger for something society can be thankful for? I need help and if i seek it from home ill get locked up again. all openions are welcome.

Thank you:patriot:

Wow. I'm so sorry that you had to endure all of this. How horrible for you. I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately, but just wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you. I've never gone through anything such as this....nor have I come close, and yet.....I feel complete rage when I hear stories such as yours. I really don't think this is abnormal. It means you are a caring person. Is there a way you could go to a counselor outside of the area you are in? Maybe that will help? I don't know. This is just my opinion. Good luck to you with all of this, ok?

[seawolf4]

Originally posted by r_drummond420
As i have stated in some of my postings, I am a 23 year old female sociopath and i feel that my "urges" are becoming harder and harder to manage. The worst part is that i cannot seek help from my family or anyone that knows of my condition because the traumas of my childhood are buried secrets that even i am not supposed to be aware of.

As far back as i can remember my bio father would get my brother and i together and tell my brother decide wether my father would rape me or he would do it so our father could watch. My brother was my best friend and protector and though it killed him he would do it because he would never in a million years let our father hurt me. For some reason during these sessions i always felt safe because my brother was there. When i was 12 my brother died of a massive asthma attack and i lost it. I couldnt eat without vomiting and by the time i went into the coma i was at 68 pounds. I wasent supposed to survive. When i woke up i was institutionalized for 6 months and it was decided that hypnosis was the only shot i had at a normal life so i was hypnotized to forget my entire childhood, my father, and that my brother ever existed. A year later i saw a yearbook photo of my brother and everything came back. I remembered hearing the shrink telling my mom and step dad that if i ever remembered my past i would have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. so for the last 9 years i've been harboring these secrets and urges and trying to learn how to deal with them on my own. However, lately every time i see a child molestation story on the news or i get a sex offender notification in the mail I get so enraged and filled with cravings of vengance that i feel my head will explode. I've studied serial killers at great lengths and am well aware of the threat sociopaths present. But one major difference between me and them is that i have no interest in the blood of the innocent as compinsation for my suffering. I want the blood of the child predators who steal the innocence of children every day to run red in the streets and send a message so strong to the rest of them that if they perform these acts they will suffer the same fate however horrific and painful it may be. Maby then there will be a stop to this madness. I have a child of my own that i vow to protect at ANY cost and my patience is wearing thin. how can i supress these urges and use my anger for something society can be thankful for? I need help and if i seek it from home ill get locked up again. all openions are welcome.

Thank you:patriot:

Have you seen a therapist on your own. I really believe they can help you come to terms with the anger, justifable anger, at what has happened to you. Incidentally I don't think you are a sociopath. The anger you feel toward those who would hurt and molest children is NORMAL. But you need to talk it out so that you can be freed from the past.
Please try, I do believe it can help.
My thoughts are with you. Just the fact that you are speaking about it here tells me you are a good person and need to talk. Let us know how you are doing.

[lorilee228]

i want to send you a personal message about my own healing from a very similar childhood. i am not sure how to go about doing so. there is help. there is a therapy that cures post traumatic stress disorder. arizona is a really good place to be because the leading psychologists in the world about sex abuse and sex addiction are at the meadows in arizona and there is so much help out here for you!!! you have my support as a fellow survivor! let me know how to contact you with support information! lorihoffman2003@yahoo.com oh yeah i also wanted to tell you that what you described is not a sociopath and you are certainly allowd to entertain thoughts of revenge. actual studies of scans of the brain during the planning of revenge show that it can make us feel the same kind of pleasure release that smoking and drugs makes us feel. the sucky part is that the actual carrying out of the revenge is not so sweet! hey contact me. lori

Originally posted by r_drummond420
As i have stated in some of my postings, I am a 23 year old female sociopath and i feel that my "urges" are becoming harder and harder to manage. The worst part is that i cannot seek help from my family or anyone that knows of my condition because the traumas of my childhood are buried secrets that even i am not supposed to be aware of.

As far back as i can remember my bio father would get my brother and i together and tell my brother decide wether my father would rape me or he would do it so our father could watch. My brother was my best friend and protector and though it killed him he would do it because he would never in a million years let our father hurt me. For some reason during these sessions i always felt safe because my brother was there. When i was 12 my brother died of a massive asthma attack and i lost it. I couldnt eat without vomiting and by the time i went into the coma i was at 68 pounds. I wasent supposed to survive. When i woke up i was institutionalized for 6 months and it was decided that hypnosis was the only shot i had at a normal life so i was hypnotized to forget my entire childhood, my father, and that my brother ever existed. A year later i saw a yearbook photo of my brother and everything came back. I remembered hearing the shrink telling my mom and step dad that if i ever remembered my past i would have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. so for the last 9 years i've been harboring these secrets and urges and trying to learn how to deal with them on my own. However, lately every time i see a child molestation story on the news or i get a sex offender notification in the mail I get so enraged and filled with cravings of vengance that i feel my head will explode. I've studied serial killers at great lengths and am well aware of the threat sociopaths present. But one major difference between me and them is that i have no interest in the blood of the innocent as compinsation for my suffering. I want the blood of the child predators who steal the innocence of children every day to run red in the streets and send a message so strong to the rest of them that if they perform these acts they will suffer the same fate however horrific and painful it may be. Maby then there will be a stop to this madness. I have a child of my own that i vow to protect at ANY cost and my patience is wearing thin. how can i supress these urges and use my anger for something society can be thankful for? I need help and if i seek it from home ill get locked up again. all openions are welcome.

Thank you:patriot:

[CalifMermaid]

Originally posted by r_drummond420
As i have stated in some of my postings, I am a 23 year old female sociopath and i feel that my "urges" are becoming harder and harder to manage. The worst part is that i cannot seek help from my family or anyone that knows of my condition because the traumas of my childhood are buried secrets that even i am not supposed to be aware of.

As far back as i can remember my bio father would get my brother and i together and tell my brother decide wether my father would rape me or he would do it so our father could watch. My brother was my best friend and protector and though it killed him he would do it because he would never in a million years let our father hurt me. For some reason during these sessions i always felt safe because my brother was there. When i was 12 my brother died of a massive asthma attack and i lost it. I couldnt eat without vomiting and by the time i went into the coma i was at 68 pounds. I wasent supposed to survive. When i woke up i was institutionalized for 6 months and it was decided that hypnosis was the only shot i had at a normal life so i was hypnotized to forget my entire childhood, my father, and that my brother ever existed. A year later i saw a yearbook photo of my brother and everything came back. I remembered hearing the shrink telling my mom and step dad that if i ever remembered my past i would have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. so for the last 9 years i've been harboring these secrets and urges and trying to learn how to deal with them on my own. However, lately every time i see a child molestation story on the news or i get a sex offender notification in the mail I get so enraged and filled with cravings of vengance that i feel my head will explode. I've studied serial killers at great lengths and am well aware of the threat sociopaths present. But one major difference between me and them is that i have no interest in the blood of the innocent as compinsation for my suffering. I want the blood of the child predators who steal the innocence of children every day to run red in the streets and send a message so strong to the rest of them that if they perform these acts they will suffer the same fate however horrific and painful it may be. Maby then there will be a stop to this madness. I have a child of my own that i vow to protect at ANY cost and my patience is wearing thin. how can i supress these urges and use my anger for something society can be thankful for? I need help and if i seek it from home ill get locked up again. all openions are welcome.

Thank you:patriot:

Wanting to kill child molesters doesn't make you a sociopath. This is what a sociopath is.

http://home.datawest.net/esn-recovery/artcls/socio.htm

[r_drummond420]

Originally posted by lorilee228
i want to send you a personal message about my own healing from a very similar childhood. i am not sure how to go about doing so. there is help. there is a therapy that cures post traumatic stress disorder. arizona is a really good place to be because the leading psychologists in the world about sex abuse and sex addiction are at the meadows in arizona and there is so much help out here for you!!! you have my support as a fellow survivor! let me know how to contact you with support information! lorihoffman2003@yahoo.com oh yeah i also wanted to tell you that what you described is not a sociopath and you are certainly allowd to entertain thoughts of revenge. actual studies of scans of the brain during the planning of revenge show that it can make us feel the same kind of pleasure release that smoking and drugs makes us feel. the sucky part is that the actual carrying out of the revenge is not so sweet! hey contact me. lori

thank you soooooo much lori and everybody for all your support, to tell the truth i was really nervous about posting this and kind of afraid of what some might say so thank you for understanding and all the good ideas. and lori, i'll send you a private message w/my e-mail address! I would love to talk to you. thanks again for everything

[r_drummond420]

Originally posted by seawolf4


Have you seen a therapist on your own. I really believe they can help you come to terms with the anger, justifable anger, at what has happened to you. Incidentally I don't think you are a sociopath. The anger you feel toward those who would hurt and molest children is NORMAL. But you need to talk it out so that you can be freed from the past.
Please try, I do believe it can help.
My thoughts are with you. Just the fact that you are speaking about it here tells me you are a good person and need to talk. Let us know how you are doing.


You know, I've been studying the societal norms for "healthy" psychied:tongue: people this day in age and i can think of about 6 dozen people right off hand that would say i am sick and all of you who acknowledge my rage and anger as "justifiable" are sick as well, but you guys have given me new hope that the unfortunate future presented by my diagnosis may not be etched in stone. If all of you can understand me and see just through my words that i am not a monster, maby if i go to the psych hospital and told them the truth about everything, they will help me instead of just lock me up?! I dont know though, I've got alot to lose. I hope from the bottom of my "soul" (providing i have one) that i was mis-diagnosed. every post to my story came with the idea that i am not a sociopath, every one! I wish there was a psychologist or someone specializing in abnormal psych that could read this thread and tell me what they think just so i could be sure that i need any help at all, heck for all i know i'm normal!

Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for your compassion which resulted in my having real confidence that i have a second chance at a normal life and its not just a dream anymore!:rose

[r_drummond420]

Originally posted by memap1965


Wow. I'm so sorry that you had to endure all of this. How horrible for you. I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately, but just wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you. I've never gone through anything such as this....nor have I come close, and yet.....I feel complete rage when I hear stories such as yours. I really don't think this is abnormal. It means you are a caring person. Is there a way you could go to a counselor outside of the area you are in? Maybe that will help? I don't know. This is just my opinion. Good luck to you with all of this, ok?


thank you:beer:

[emay1emay]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by r_drummond420
[B]


, they will help me instead of just lock me up?! I dont know though, I've got alot to lose. I hope from the bottom of my "soul" (providing i have one) that i was mis-diagnosed.

while you have some serious and IMO justifiable issues you can get the mental health help that you need and the protection from society and family that you need as well.. to protect you from people trying to prevent you from actively pursuing mental health help....the mental health association has lawyers and advocates to protect and help you,,, they gave me a hard time and tried to interfere with the custody of my young son because i was in treatment,,, you can do a network search and find all the mental health advocacy programs in your county and state.....and know this YOU ARE NOT ALONE >>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!! kelli .. emay1emay(jayisgone1992@yahoo.com)

[mom26]

Originally posted by r_drummond420



You know, I've been studying the societal norms for "healthy" psychied:tongue: people this day in age and i can think of about 6 dozen people right off hand that would say i am sick and all of you who acknowledge my rage and anger as "justifiable" are sick as well, but you guys have given me new hope that the unfortunate future presented by my diagnosis may not be etched in stone. If all of you can understand me and see just through my words that i am not a monster, maby if i go to the psych hospital and told them the truth about everything, they will help me instead of just lock me up?! I dont know though, I've got alot to lose. I hope from the bottom of my "soul" (providing i have one) that i was mis-diagnosed. every post to my story came with the idea that i am not a sociopath, every one! I wish there was a psychologist or someone specializing in abnormal psych that could read this thread and tell me what they think just so i could be sure that i need any help at all, heck for all i know i'm normal!

Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for your compassion which resulted in my having real confidence that i have a second chance at a normal life and its not just a dream anymore!:rose


Those 6 dozen or so people who think you have problems need help themselves.

The next time you see one of them ask them this question: What would you do if one of your family's children was the victim of a molester, whether or not the child was murdered?

When the victim is in one's family, it turns the revenge personal and makes the crime more revolting and actionable for the victim's family.

One thought: I bet the people who think you have problems are older and come from a generation that thought if a subject was not discussed, it did not happen ("silence is golden" rule). Fortunately, today's society is more open than it used to be even 30 years ago.

Mom26

[LADYLIBRA]

I am fairly new to this site and being a mother of 4 I can identify with your rage. I don't own the words to heal you, but if I did I'd gladly donate them. Healing takes time, whether your heal physically, emotionally, or mentally. Take the advice several people have offered you and seek help. Keep in mind acting on impluse my have you locked away where you can't protect your child. Find that peace you long for, perhaps even helping others will help you in some way. These words came to mind as I read your post:do not fear what tomorrow holds because GOD is already there. Be Blessed.

[Cinnared]

I know how you feel.Having had my childhood ruined by several people(which was my fault cos I developed early... or so I belived)I can today still feel rage and I wonder if I am normal.I have kids.... I do not let them go out on their own... now I am too protective.Its hard to draw the line on that.You were so sinned againsnt and you cant let it go.. I became a druggie and drank so much that i wonder how i am still here.i asked my hubby if one of my offenders made them selves known today in my life.. would you fight for me... and after 5 mins he said yes... but why did it take 5 mins?? So no protection there... just like as a child my mom should have known and protected me.I would gladly tear apart a sexual offender from limb to limb and worry about the consqunces later.
I am sure this post isnt helping...but you need to know that you arent alone.Do this... turn it around.... go and help children that have been abused......Therapists have a confidentailty... no one will tell...
I know your rage wont go away til you have dealt with the past.Use it to your advantage.

:rose: A rose for Carlie

[Marion]

Dear R_Drummond420,

I am sorry about your childhood and the pain you have endured. In some ways I can relate. Is there any way I can contact you directly? I have important information for you.

I know this is an old post, but I hope you are still visiting the board...!

My best,
Marion

[IsItAnyWonder]

http://www.survivingtothriving.org/shareyourstory

IsItAnyWonder

[AmyW]

I'm glad you found this site and found the courage to ask for help. There have been a lot of helpful links provided and I hope they give you some peace of mind. God bless you, you sure have been through more than I could ever imagine. Please continue to talk to us and we'll help you through this in any way we can. :)